Miracles?

Don't know what to say...don't read this if you're having a good day because I don't want to bring disappoint to you.....so I'm adding lots of paragraphs so you have the choice to avoid reading this blog right now, if you're having a good, positive day....









This morning, again, for the past month or so, not ignoring Jovee because having to take care of Shyanne, had to give Jovee some Children's Motrin / Tylenol because Jovee woke up with pains on her foot / behind her knee cap / leg.

All I could say was, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

This is the realistic, pessimistic, human side of me. As a neuroblastoma parent, especially with a child in remission, you cringe when your child complains of any pains in the joints or any type of pains anywhere. Especially when your child, like Jovee, isn't a complainer.

I'm not writing this to ask for any type of "feel sorry for the Lim family" message. I'm just writing because it's been a reality and a monumentous (if that's a word) concern, aside from Shyanne. Jeannine and I haven't talked about it too much, maybe because we don't want to, not ready to, not prepared to but reality is reality.

The oncologist says if it's not an all day complaining than she's not that worried about it. She doesn't live with Jovee all day, all the time. Jeannine says she does complain and has complained during the day about her legs and hips hurting. The pain, if she has any, is mostly during the night.

I scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO because if her neuroblastoma relapses than she only has time. How much we don't know. No child that has relapsed from neuroblastoma has lived, as far as I know, as far as all the NB kids that I've followed.

I don't know if I even want to pray for or believe in a miracle or miracles. Just don't want to be disappointed and get my hopes up. But I have to keep the faith...I really have to.

Last couple of days

This is a long post. Don’t get in trouble at work ready this long post :-)

Friday morning:

Picked up my cousins, Davy and Dany, from Spokane Airport. They flew in from Colorado. They’ve been very, very supportive emotionally since the beginning of Shyanne’s birth til now. I’ve called my cousin Davy a lot, keeping her updated on Shyanne’s status since birth, shed many tears over the phone talking with her. I know it hurt her immensely that she did not get a chance to meet or hold Shyanne. It really hurt me to watch her hurt. We’ve always have had a good bond growing up. All three of us went to the headstone store, I guess that’s what you call it, to pick out a headstone for Shyanne. We’re going to put a small picture of her on the headstone. Another emotional moment, the realization of picking out a headstone for her grave.
Went to the Oriental market to get some ingredients for Pho. Yum. Dany and Davy made really good Pho. Mia, Pauline, Jean, Jacky, Nick, and Heidi all drove up from Colorado. They got here pretty fast. I love Jeannine’s family, my church family, my good friends here in Deer Park but it was so really nice to see my immediate family from Colorado.
Jeannine and I went to the funeral home to dress Shyanne’s body around 3 pm. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be seeing her body again for the 1st time since she was taken from our home the other night. Her body was ice cold and stiff. Her facial looks just did not look like the Shyanne that I know. It didn’t take that long to dress her body, just put her in a nice white dress, white tights, and white socks. The casket was nice and white.
The funeral director, Ralph Lauer, was very helpful all throughout this event. He was very nice, cordial, and the “weird funeral director” good. You know like in the movies how people that work with dead bodies are kind of weird. Well, he was the good weird.
My sister in law Pauline made a 4 minute movie of Shyanne. Most of the recordings were from the previous weekend that her and Mia were here. I walked in the kitchen and saw Davy and Dany shedding tears watching it on the laptop, took a 2 second glance of it, saw Shyanne alive on video, and just broke down. The video was made to the song, “In the Arms of an Angel”.
Dinner came around and my family all hung out. Ate the really good Pho soup that Davy and Dany made for everybody. Good grub!! We all just hung out that evening, playing card and dice games. Good family time. Nathan and Jared came over and Tiffany and Micah and little “Mini-Me” Dylan (Tiffany’s son) came over. We all just had a good time enjoying each other’s company. Played a couple of rounds of Greedy. The penalty for the 1st round for the bottom 3 losers was a bite of a glazed donut with lots of Soy sauce. Yeah, it was gross! Mia, Jacky, and Micah did the pleasure of losing and eating. Again, yeah, it was gross! I really have a good family. Everybody is so caring and giving. Good family relationships is all that matters to me. Always has but even more so now with the loss of Shyanne. I’m very luck to have an awesome family. Lucky me.

SATURDAY, funeral day:

Morning was hard preparing for the talk. Really, my heart hurt thinking about it. My best friend, Kenny, from high school called. Had a good little talk with him. He was very sympathetic and supportive to me.

Thanks to everybody that came.

I chose to wear a yellow tie because I wanted to convey sunshine and happiness. That was how I want to and how I want people to remember her.

1 pm came around and family members gathered in the Relief Society room where the viewing was. Another hard moment. I saw Jean, Mia, Davy, and Dany cry. Again, one of the hardest things about all this is seeing people that I love hurting, shedding their tears of sorrow for missing Shyanne.

The pall bearers were Rick in the back, Mia in front, Tyson and Bennet on the sides. They did really good. Especially my boys. My boys carrying their baby sister…They both looked comfortable and solemn as they helped to carry the casket. They both looked sharp in their suits.

As the boys, Rick, and Mia carried her casket into the chapel, right before we walked in, everybody stood. We followed (I was carrying Jovee and holding Jeannine’s hand). As at other funerals, you just out of respect stand up when the casket comes in. This was different. The spiritual feeling in the air was incredibly thick and tangible (at least to me). ALL the family and friends that were there (from immediate family, church family, neighbors, business associates), (really, ALL that were there) are really good, special people. They are all because of their true goodness, influential people, what has been termed “giants of goodness” or “spiritual giants”. All these “giants” reverently stood to honor this “noble and great one” as she entered into the room. Like on TV, when royalty enters, everyone stands up out of respect, for royalty. Princess Shyanne, although enclosed in the casket, was royalty, surrounded by royal, good members of Heavenly Father’s kingdom. The power of all the powerful people that were in the chapel, the power of love and unity, was out of this earthly, mortal world. For that brief moment, I experienced something special, not of this world. These were/are my feelings.

The only other time I’ve ever felt the spirit of God so tangible was on my mission when the entire Washington DC South missionaries gathered together in the Washington DC temple on the top floor in the solemn assembly room for a mission conference. This was just as, if not, more special.



Outline of talk at Shyanne’s memorial:

Shyanne Shiny, happy, ray of light, sunshine and happiness…

THANKS

The thank you cards that we will try to write for the flowers, food, hugs, toys, money, Christ-like service will be endless. So many people offered to help, “What can we do, what can we do?” but because we have so many family and friends, there was not much to do. Everything that was needed for this day was taken care of. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you’ve done for my wife and children.

BROKEN HEART - HEART ACHE

This morning while preparing for this talk, my heart physically felt like it was going to explode. It physically just ached and hurt.

The ache was 2 fold:

1) It ached because of the realization of the departure of Shyanne
2) It was so full from thinking of all the amazing support and love we’ve received. I was thinking about how blessed we have been, how many blessings we’ve received and my heart was so full of thanks there wasn’t enough room to fill my heart.

A great song called, “IN THIS VERY ROOM”:


HAPPIEST MOMENTS:

On the floor in the living room with her legs going really fast, like riding a bicycle and arms flailing…

Her kisses, she’d like my lips…


WHAT NOW? HOW TO FIND TRUE PEACE AND SOLACE?

PEACE from THE SCRIPTURES – the scriptures are not just any feel good earthly, temporary advice from Dr. Phil book.

The scriptures, contained in it are the words of Jesus Christ, I figure that lived and lives today. You don’t have to be a Mormon, Baptist, Buddhist, Seventh Day Adventist to feel the true peace that comes from the words of the Savior Jesus Christ from the scriptures

I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES

JOHN 14:1

“Let not your heart be troubled” – Don’t troubled by this loss of Shyanne

JOHN 14: 2, 3
“In my Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you”

JOHN 14:26, 27

Christ is speaking to his disciples. I just picked this up just this morning, in the previous verses, Christ was speaking with Judas, the disciple who betrayed Him. Possibly telling the betrayer how to find peace:

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you.

SAYS IT AGAIN, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid”

Says it twice, in the beginning, and in the middle of the chapter. If Christ says it twice, it must be significant!



Just this morning, while preparing for this talk,

A VERY PERSONAL ISSUE that the scriptures helped me with – Thought I was to blame for Shyanne’s congenital heart defect. I was to blame because she was born with these challenges of the heart, kidney’s, lungs, 22q13.3 deletion syndrome….I wasn’t good enough so God had cursed her…NO, NO, NO

John Chapter 9 verses 1, 2, and 3

“And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: BUT THAT THE WORKS OF GOD SHOULD BE MADE MANIFEST IN HIM”



I speak to my children, Tyson, Brooke, Bennet, and Jovee, and my wife…we will be OK


I have this belief not just to grab hold of something, anything to comfort me. I KNOW, I ABSOLUTELY KNOW NOW, that we have a spirit, that I can see her again.

We will live again. Our spirits continue to live.

From the scriptures, found in the Book of Mormon, Alma 40:11, 12 Alma to his son Corianton:

“No concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection – Behold it has been made known unto me by an angel (AND IT HAS BEEN MADE KNOWN UNTO ME, TY LIM) that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, ARE TAKEN HOME to that God who gave them life.”

THIS IS REAL. Not just something that I want to grab on to just because I’m looking for peace.

Right before she died, as we lay in our bed with her, between mom and dad, she had all the signs of death, the fish out of water, right before she breathed her last breath, I said to her, “Shyanne, I’m going to be good”. I want to see her again, to be pure, to keep the commandments, to be a good man.



SEE YOU LATER

No goodbyes,only see you later. No such thing as goodbye!!!!! No more goodbyes.

Let’s celebrate how, through Shyanne, the works of God were made manifest…



Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: “SHE IS GONE”

“Gone where?”

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” There are other eyes watching her coming, and the other voices ready to take up the glad shout: “HERE SHE COMES!”

AFTER THE SERVICE:

Cried and shed more tears after the memorial service. I watched Mia try to comfort Pauline as she broke down for a moment after the service.

Drove to Woodland Cemetery. Grandpa Welchly offered the dedicatory prayer at the grave. A lot of people from the service came to the grave site. It was a cold and cloudy day. I was hoping Shyanne would pop out a bit of sunshine but it wasn’t to be. I had another break down and left everybody that was around the casket and grave.

Went back to the church for the dinner that was held for the immediate family. Was an excellent dinner put on by Marci, Wanda, Carrie, Holly, Jeannine Carter, and I think there was one other lady. I’ll remember later…Doug took pictures again. He and his Jeannine have been so good through all of this with all the support that they’ve given. Roast, potatoes, dessert was awesome! We all watched the video that Pauline made and the slide show that Shauneen made. Made us cry.

Marci showed a lot of compassion. Saw her in the kitchen shedding tears for Shyanne and our family. She’s been very helpful.

This I know:

We watched, intimately, Shyanne’s spirit leave her mortal body. We have a spirit inside of us. There’s no way that the love, personality, feelings, intelligence, strength, courage just goes POOF and just disappear. How asinine to even minutely think that.

This I know:

I can see Shyanne again. Life does not end after death. It just doesn’t. I’m not just trying to comfort myself by just saying it. She’s got a free ticket to the other side.

This I know:

Shyanne was sent here to be with me for me. I struggled with some issues (like life after death) and she has helped me. Unfortunately it took her dying to resolve ALL of my issues. Only because I’m human, from time and time again I might waver but for the most part, my issues are resolved. It only took a noble and great one to help me and I’m so eternally thankful for what she taught me.

This I know:

I’m tired and am going to sleep.

C U Later.

Woke up feeling sorrowfully heavy. Kind of like that all day.

Went to the print shop to get the flyer for Shyanne's memorial this Saturday. We calling it the celebration of the life of Shyanne. We'd like to make it a happy service. The theme is kind of a sunshiney, happy full of light theme. No darkness or gloominess is allowed.

We went after the print shop to Woodland cemetary. This was a sad moment. This is where her mortal body was going to be buried. Yes, her spirit lives on but picking out the cemetary plot was another "boom" she's gone moment. While standing at the plot that we felt good about, the sun was nicely shining mid day. It was cold but I felt the peace of yes, this is where her body should be. I'd like to think that she was there approving of the grave site because the sun was brightly shining. Yes, one of the 2 nicknames that I called her was "Shiny" Shyanne.

After the cemetary plot selection we went to pick out her dress that she would be buried in. Picked out a real nice one. Her casket is going to be white. She'll just blend right in.

Our amazingly caring friends stopped by for a few moments and comforted us. We have such amazing friends. Sheila and Gerri are great!

While in Spokane, the principal, teacher, and gym teacher stopped by our house with Aunt Renee and dropped off a newly used washer. The same day that Shyanne died (I guess it was yesterday - how time flies) our washing machine gave out. The school stopped by with that newly used washer. They also gave us a great amount of groceries and also a gift card with money on it. Just amazing!

Lifecare Solutions also stopped by to pick up the oxygen and the other machines that kept Shy going. I'm glad we weren't there for them to pick it up. Renee handled it all. Aunt Renee has done so much to help us out in all of this. She and her kids have been so very supportive. Thank you so much again.

One of the only reasons we're still sanely functioning is because of the amazing support from our family and friends. Carters have been heaven sent. He took so really great pictures of the familys last hours with Shyanne. Jeannine just took over and took care of much business for us. Thank you.

I'm tired now. It's all happened so fast. There's so much to process...but not now. Just mostly trying to keep busy with the memorial this Saturday.

We drove past the funeral home tonight and thought, "Shyanne's body is in there."

Oh, I miss her sooooo much. I just want to kiss her lips and have her lick my lips. That was her kiss to me....

Funeral home took Shyanne's body last night and left our home at 11:00 pm. Just weird how the body becomes cold and inanimate. Makes you realize how powerful the human spirit is. The human spirit is so neat to be able to bring light and warmth to work our complicated, intricate body of ours.

It took a while to help Bennet realize that Shyanne's spirit still lives and her physical body is just a shell. It has hit the kids really hard. Jovee finally realized a little bit that Shyanne is dead. Jovee was pushing on Shyanne's chest to feel it go up and down, moving her arms but to realize that it just went completely limp. She cried.

It's an empty sick that I feel this morning. Just empty. I hurt really bad because I see Jeannine and the kids hurt and heart truly broken.

Memorial Service

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
34221 North Newport Highway
Chattaroy, WA 99003

Viewing at 1:00 pm
Memorial Service at 2:00 pm

Shyanne Grace Lim
09/09/09 - 01/06/10

Cards or donations can be mailed to mailing address:

PO Box 465
Deer Park, WA. 99006

Flowers can be mailed to physical address:

1219 N. Margaret Avenue
Deer Park, WA. 99006

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and support. Shyanne says see you later because there IS a later and because there is no such thing as goodbye.

See you later

Our little warrior passed away at 2:49 pm today.

2 Timothy 4:6,7

"For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith"

Still here

Although we pulled the feeding tube, she's still here with us. Around 4 this morning Shyanne stopped breathing 4 different times and turned as pale as pale can be....we thought for sure she left us but as of this post, she's still fighting and still alive. Morphine had helped suppress her cough so that's been beneficial.

Kids are home indefinitely from school. They're taking it pretty hard, especially Bennet.

Hard early morning

Dr.'s probably right. She doesn't have much longer. We're turning off the feeding tube and pulling it out of her right now.

Sad

Met with all the Dr.'s, Surgeons and all the health care professionals today:

Prognosis = days, maybe weeks left for Shyanne

Her pulmonary vein is not operable. Her heart will give out on her soon. They don't know how long but saying "days, maybe weeks".

She's a warrior so wishing, hoping that they prove all the health care professonals wrong and lives for weeks, months, years. That's the optimist in me.

Told the kids when they got home from school. Tyson, Brooke, and Bennet cried and cried and cried. That's about all I've done today.

I'm feeling, hoping, wishing for weeks and not days. However long, we're glad to have her while she's here.

Very, very hard day.

Very Tired

Spent last night from 9:30 pm to 3:30 am at the hospital, had to take Shyanne to Emergency.

Her oxygen had to be bumped up to 2.5 liters per minute because her RR was at 110, Oxygen was at around 80%, and PBM was at 160-ish.

Very long night.

No big deal but had to get up at 4:15 am to take my awesome brother Mia and his wife Pauline to the airport. They came and visited us since Friday morning. They both got the flu really, really, really, really bad. Mia said it was the worst 12 hours of his life, with the plane ride home and all.

We played in a 4 person volleyball tournment this weekend with Kati Jo. Took 2nd out of 8 teams. Not bad for the shortest team there. We didn't have a game plan to stop this 17 year old kid from France named Anthony that just kept on ripping the ball. He and his team were tough. My buddy Todd tore his ACL. Totally sucks!

Tomorrow meeting with the team of doctors that has been caring for Shyanne. Big meeting.

Mia and Pauline took the kids to see Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakel and said they had a good time watching Jovee laugh.

Work is very slow right now. Tough times financially all around for us and a lot of people.

Keep on keep'in on...press forward!